Grand Update and other not so new news

 

Although the days have flown by since the birth of the babe, and I have been caught up in the whirlwind of excitement, I have to admit that I was doubtful about writing an update to my saga.  It feels some days like I am tired of the saga end of my life.  I have spent the last year weighed down in grief and heartache, so now I am impatient to move forward from the excessive amount of stress and turmoil.  Perhaps its the beginning of our new little life that has spurred me forward, although I believe I was swimming towards the surface for air even before the babe was born.

I am convinced that just sitting still in the middle of the road has been a wise choice.  If  for no other reason then it allowed me to rest mentally and physically.  I stopped mental manipulations, and physical manipulations of my situation with Cheater.  I believe just the acknowledgement that not only one person in a marriage can fight for the union when it is in trouble, has helped smooth the rough edges of my emotional pain.  Though trite, its true, it certainly takes two. 

I have two thoughts on the issue though currently, that keep rearing their heads in the quiet moments before sleep. Its as though my brain presents to my heart the major ongoing concern or worry to contemplate, and hopefully to resolve.  The positive thought is that my husband’s behavior was not the status quo for our marriage.  I had eighteen years being the apple of my husband’s eye, his queen.  I had one year of abnormal behavior, hubbie’s cheater mode.  The negative thought that floats daily to the surface is the sheer terror I feel at the thought that the abnormal behavior will continue, that he will cheat again.

The crux of the matter truly lies in deep emotional issues of self esteem, originally brought on by a less than ideal childhood.  Cheater has on several occasions made reference to these issues, and I empathize with the way that he has suffered.  Until now, he had manuvered and hidden the severity of his personal struggle.  In no way does this excuse the infantile, abusive way in which he has behaved in the past year.  I think he finally gets that.  What Cheater fails to fully comprehend is the amount of self reflection, and contemplation that he still needs to do.  What I am saying is that Hubbie gives a great deal of lip service to recovery, and getting his spirit back, and I am sure he is starting down a better emotional path, but I believe he needs professional help to truly gain insight and clarity.  I need him to get professional help.

I must admit that I have pretty much figured out the entire issue regarding Cheater, and I believe I am accurate in my observations.  However, Cheater needs to come to his own place of knowing.  I cannot spoon feed him the information, nor cure the problems. 

As hard as the decision was to not let Cheater back into our home this last time, I believe with great conviction it was the single best decision I have made in the past year.  Hubbie lives 12 hours away, with his sister.  He has admitted to me that although he feels at times like he is being baby sat, that it has also been a productive, worthy time for him.  He has found a great deal of solace in spending time fishing, working hard, and nurturing his  mind and body.  I believe too that this has improved his chances of recovery. 

My real concern is that Hubbie is hurrying the process.  There is so much more to figure out and resolve between us.  Cheater would like us to move back to our home state where he is residing and resume our family life.  Although I would like that to happen as well, for some reason I do not think it ever will.

I feel as though I am living in the future of our relationship right now. That what is happening between us currently, is a more gentle pulling apart of a 19 year marriage. The most difficult part of this new relationship is that I seem to be okay with it.  I like living apart from hubbie right now.  I like having a bit more control over my emotional state, and although it may be a false sense of security, I like the security I have.  I am enjoying not obsessing over hubbies behavior, moodiness and anxiety.  I like not having to worry that anything I say can send him reeling back into more negative behavior.  I am not walking on eggshells, and most importantly I am not suffering the amount of anxiety that I had previously endured.

Although the financial situation isn’t stable, my environment finally is and I do not want to surrender my hard won stability again.  If Cheater makes another headlong rush into addicition/cheater world, then I feel as though I will not suffer such tremendous emotional tolls this time.  I hate to admit it but I currently have a barrier around my heart to protect myself from further trauma.  I acknowledge that the biggest reason making no decisions has worked for me is because it gave me permission to wait for Cheater to screw up again.  I finally stopped trying to avoid the inevitable and just let Cheater rise or fall on his own accord.  This has been very difficult for me as I have spent much of my time controlling the situation.

I am angry at Hubbie alot now, and I am concerned because it seems to erupt from the smallest frustrations.  Perhaps it is merely because I am finally standing with my face in the storm, erect and strong, not bent and cowered in weakness.  Many family members have commented saying that I am finally realizing I can do this on my own.  That is simply not true.  I have always known I could raise the kids on my own, I had no doubt concerning my ability.  I did not want to raise them without my husband, period.  Although to many my love should have stopped flowing for Cheater by now, it hasn’t.  I would like nothing better then to repair this mess and move forward from it, a happier couple.

I am willing now to admit that I have serious doubts about my ability as a human to leave behind the infidelity.  Every day a thought concerning my husband’s infidelity creates a new painful heart ache.  This self flagellation has increased since I have regained much of my emotional stability.  Perhaps this is the way my mind has chosen to deal with the issue.  Perhaps its a rolling reality check.  Simpler still, perhaps it is just the continuation of the healing process.

All of the writing has led me straight back to the middle of the road.  It just feels safer to not venture far from the umbrella .  I have trust in my current wait and see mode, as it has been very healing. 

 

The new babe continues to be a wonder, such a calm and peaceful being is my Livvy Pea.   My daughter is thriving in young motherhood, and already has only eyes for the little superstar she helped to bring into this world.  You cannot help but love both of them.  I am full of amazement that it feels to me some times like my own daughter being born again.  It is a rush to be so in love with a small person.  I did not think my heart would expand further .

 This is a picture of that amazing sunflower field.   I found this picture curious as the sunflowers were placed in their positions by someone else, and it lead me to wonder the purpose of the placement.   I have been finding a great deal of peace in wandering Gettysburg and taking pictures.  Fall is my favorite season I think , although spring is a wonder as well.

 

GRAND Baby

I have not been around and I apologize.  Olivia Pearl was born at 11:04 Ont October 4th.  Woo Hoooooooo!!!!!!!  Gorgeous, bright eyed andcall  proof of smiles to come she weighed 7lbs 4ozs.  I love her to death already, but not a lick of blond hair anywhere!!!!   She has alot of beautiful dark hair.  She is so alert, luminous and serene, I just cannot get enough of her.    Livvy Pea ,as I am gonna call her, was born after a 12 hour labor.  My daughter did so beautifully and I am so glad to have seen the entire delivery.  I will of course post an entire post later but wanted to send an update and of course pics!!!!!!!

 

New Attitude ,New Peace

Its been a while and still I have not solved my internet connection.  Its frustrating, but  I  have been so financially pressed that the  internet must wait a bit longer.  I have been stewing on creative ways to generate cash flow to  release the pressure I feel  with money concerns.  Cheater has been paying support, but obviously I am running a household and providing all the kids needs.  This has been an increasing source of frustration and agitation for me with Cheater.

It feels to me , that he wants his family, but is unwilling to jump in and be here for everything.  If we were divorced or seperated then  there would be some arrangement in place so that he could see the kids.  This would give me an opportunity to work, and have a social life.  At this point I am a mother only, with no financial life and no social life.   This is difficult because my son needs constant supervision, and my girls are very busy leading their lives, as it should be.   Still, Cheater is in another state, making any kind of sharing of all responsibility  non existant.  I am frustrated, and honestly pissed about this.    I need help, and I most assuredly need adult time. 

I will say that although I agree with everyone’s comments pertaining to the honeymoon feelings I had, those emotions seem smaller then the current level of dissatisfaction I  am experiencing.  Let me just explain that I have been feeling less than loving and romantic , and perhaps I have begun to release Cheater from the totality of my life.  I do know that ,for me , this has been a slow painful process.  I feel as though I have been plodding along the path for quite some time now.  Finally, it feels as though I am ready to acknowledge that I have huge resentment towards my husband, and I really do not think I can get back what Cheater has thrown away. 

Although Cheater gives lots of lip service to recovery and moving forward with his life, in my opinion , he is stationary.  I believe the next life challenge will send him right back into an emotional spin, and I am finally to the point of being impatient with him.    I love a man and marriage that no longer exisits, and I believe it is time for my heart to stop feeding off from what I used to have.    There is the possibility of a new relationship between my husband and I, but that is a cloudy image at this point. 

In other news we are very close to the birth of our first Grandbaby!!  We are talking days, and I have really been concentrating on that event.  My daughter and I are obsessing together over every twinge, and I am enjoying this major event more than I expected to.  I will keep you all posted.  We do know its a girl, and I cannot wait to meet my Grandaughter.

I wanted to mention as well, that I so appreciate everyone’s comments.    I consider them guidance and hugs from the universe.  No matter the opinion, and no matter if I agree, I consider each comment as valuable and thought provoking.  Keep them coming!!!!  They help so much.

I took this picture with my camera phone, and just love it.    Right down the road in a field, a farmer planted rows of sunflowers in between rows of corn.  It is an amazing view!  It makes me so happy to look at this everyday.

 

Vibrations

It was a bittersweet weekend.  It felt, for the most part ,like a stolen moment, fantasy like, and romance novel intense.  I found it easy to avoid tough subjects and hard not to cry every minute.  Having Cheater here, for some reason felt like I was full circle, and right back in the beginning of the trauma.  It was the very best decision, upon reflection, to refuse Cheater admittance to his own house after this last run away.  I believe it has initiated some honest self- reflection in Cheater.  He obviously is not “cured”, nor am I willing to rush back to full married status.

I do now have an answer to a nagging feeling that I have carried in the pit of my stomach this entire time.  I have berated myself for not wanting to give up on Cheater.  Many, many people have said they would not be patient with Cheater’s behavior, and I have thought often that there was something deeply broken in me because I was putting up with his behavior.  I have doubted the efficacy of my own internal voice, and questioned my serious lack of boundaries.  No matter how foolish and utterly pitiful I appeared to others, still I could not push past the voice that kept me from giving up completely on Cheater.  My inner voice kept telling me that my husband still resided in the body of Cheater, and that the reasons for his erratic behavior were less about lack of control and moral judgement and more about a serious emotional crisis.  Obviously adding infidelity and drugs into the problem,constantly served to refocus my attention to Cheater’s more obvious, easily attributed issues.  Still, drugs and infidelity had never been Cheater’s way of living.  My husbands aberrant behavior had to stem from some deep internal strife.

But that is a discussion for another blog post.  The relationship between Cheater and I has always been a peaceful one.  We found ourselves right back in the middle of peace this weekend.  I am not sure yet whether that was a positive thing or if it simply meant that we are in a huge denial zone.  As I said before, I spent much of the weekend in a heightened emotional state, but to his credit, Cheater dealt with me directly, instead of brushing aside my tears.  He noticed and addressed my emotional pain, on many levels.  This is brand new behavior for Cheater and I like it!

My girls had much to say after their father left, most of it negative.  Well perhaps negative is not the correct word in this case.  I have taught my girls that they can always vocalize their opinions, but they need to do so with respect.  I want them to feel as though they have control over their life, but after this weekend I have reflected that perhaps we have a bit of “tail wagging dog”.   I am walking a fine line between my own needs and desires as a wife and companion, and the children’s needs.  Cheater has done little to repair the damage between himself and his girls, and the kids are very bitter.  I do not blame them one bit. 

They feel betrayed by my actions of allowing Cheater into our house, and threw about words of consequence and punishment.  Perhaps this is a younger, more idealistic approach to life, and I have considered that my girl’s boundaries are much healthier than mine.  I certainly do not think that I am the punisher or the giver of consequence where Hubbie is concerned, nor is that the role I wish to take on.  Punishing Cheater seems on a very basic level to be a waste of my own positive energy.

My nineteen year old did tell me that she thought it was downright abusive to allow Cheater access to my son, that it confused my son immensely.  I have an entirely different perspective.  My son needs his father, loves his father and has never placed limitations on the amount of love he gives forth to his Dad.  I did not see confusion on my son’s face when his dad was here, I saw happiness and contentment.  Abusive would be exposing my son to his fathers drug abuse.  There were no drugs present this past weekend, and I was there to watch over the interaction between them.  Although I respect my daughter’s right to vocalize her opinion, I simply do not agree with her stance.

I realize they have watched their mother wither on the vine with grief over the past year, and I am sure this has been a very uncomfortable and gut wrenching experience for them.  How do I explain that through the entire mess I was never quite ready to cut Cheater from my life?  I appear foolish, non-sensical, and inordinately needy to them I think.  How do I gently explain to them that I have an entirely different perspective born of age and experience?  How do I say that there is a life after them?  A life that I must continue to slug through, love through and find those moments of Grace?

I could be entirely wrong in continuing my relationship with Cheater, but for now I have to acknowledge that I am not ready to give up the day before the victory.  Ultimately, the victory will not be just about a marriage back on track, but about my human spirit growing and evolving.  I have long suspected that a basic aspect of living human is empathy and forgiveness.  We are not solitary soldiers on the battle path of life.  We as frail, imperfect human beings are here to share our hearts, and vibrate our peace.

 

Query for Magic Eightball

The very act of resting in my indecision, has left me scattered mentally, but a bit more emotionally peaceful.  Much has happened this week, the real world and my middle of the road approach have collided with a resounding crunch. 

First, I have to explain that about three weeks ago Cheater moved in with his Sister in our home state.  He had wanted to come home but I denied him entrance into the sanctum.  This is the first time in a year, since this all began that Cheater and I retreated to separate corners.  I suspect we have both been licking our soul wounds.  As I had stated in my previous post, He and I have been talking daily. 

I have been tremendously preoccupied however with whether Cheater has been sneaking,lying or downright cheating, since his move.  This is no way to live.  Cheater does have a full-time job, and has been asking me to move the children back to our home state.  Currently, our family is divided by a 10 hour drive.  In the past three weeks it seems , according to His Cheater Nibs, that suddenly a complete change of mind and attitude has occurred.  I am highly suspicious of my hubbie’s glossy talk.  After a year of torment and unmitigated self centered actions suddenly Cheater has seen the light???  Is that it, I wonder?  Is he done?

“Highly doubtful” the Magic Eightball replied, when I enquired.  Then I thought of my daisy redo………………he loves me, he loves me not.  This weekend, Cheater is moving in for the kill. 

He called me tonight, oblivious of MY middle of the road status, mindful only of his speeding train approach to winning back his family.  The family he has thrown from his train 4 times.  Although I think that Cheater’s addiction issues get some credit for the behaviors of the past year, I am beginning to realize that my husband has a true lack of empathy, and rather of a narcissistic attitude. 

All I keep hearing in my head is “fruit from the forbidden tree, once tasted, will always tempt”.  I do not want to live with that thought stuck like a plank down the middle of my marriage.  No amount of verbal placation from Cheater has removed this insistent voice.

Cheater is driving the 10 hours on Friday to visit us.  He wants to see the kids, pick up some winter clothing, and talk with his “beautiful wife” in person.  He will be here 3 days, and I am all at once giddy, nervous, and somewhat expectant.  I am not sure what level of importance I should place on this visit.  Will this visit become the fatal blow for me, or leave me pining away for something that can never be what it was again?  Should I stubbornly refuse to leave the shelter of my ensconced emotions on the middle ground, and allow this visit to just be a happy respite from emotional anxiety?  Or should I use this face time to accomplish a more meaningful impact?  Will this visit amplify my anxiety?

My girls are not happy, grumbles are continuing to erupt since I announced the visit of their father.  They both are vowing that they intend to remove themselves from his presence as much as possible.  My son though will be so happy to have Dad time.  I will be happy to have husband time, but I worry that I will share that husband time with Cheater time as well.  We will see what happens.

Since deciding to not decide for now, other things that I had pushed aside have come back into focus.  Mainly, my extremely worrisome financial status.  I need a job and admit that I have back burnered the full out search for one long enough.  I have managed to squeak by because I have trimmed all but very basic needs from my budget.  Last weekend my internet expired and I did not renew it.  I am forlorn without the ability to log onto the web.  I have been trying to keep up by going to a local coffee shop for a few hours in the morning to get free wi-fi access, but I am chaffing at the idea of having to do that for an indefinite amount of time.  I FEEL poor without internet. 

I do have eggs though, and the kids bellies are full.  I have been purposefully neglectful of all the real life issues in my attempt to heal my emotional distress.  It seems I have only enough energy to deal with one stress at a time. 

 

Middle Road Blues

I have been struggling to stabilize my emotions,since the shower last weekend.  I realize life is not a sappy greeting card, and normally I am not an incredibly sappy person.  I tend to be less gaga about the hearts and flowers then some.  But this week has been downright hellacious, emotionally.

A couple of weeks ago. I started wearing my wedding rings again.  I put them on the middle finger of my left hand instead of my ring finger.  I felt bare and unprotected without them, yet could not place them on my ring finger.  I also felt like I was betraying my vows and status.  Strange, because Cheater has been doing that same thing for an entire year, betraying.  I however, had a huge sense of guilt, loss, and lack of identity.  It just felt like the removal of my wedding rings was one more reminder of the upheaval in my life.

On Sunday, the day of the baby shower, I moved my rings to my ring finger. I wanted that protected feeling, a loved feeling, and that connected feeling.  Most of all, I wanted a physical symbol that I was raising the skull and crossbones to its place of honor, instead of waving the white flag of surrendur.

The ring wearing, combined with the baby shower, served to remind me how disconnected I am from Cheater and marriage.  The rough waters of this week’s storm have been hard to navigate and I am more than a little queasy.  Placating myself with the “normal” card has not sufficiently served to render me less teary.  I have been in a muddled, soul searching state for days.  I have been unable to write a word.  I am stuck!  Struck again with stage one grief.  I did not wish to return here ever.

I have spoken with Cheater every night this week.  I dissect our conversations, scanning for honesty, progress in either reparations or dissolution, and connectedness.  I cherish the small moments of unguarded love that occur between two people who have been married so long.  I store the very rare, unsolicited glimpses, of Cheater’s heart, away for my own soul power.  This week I have not been ready to claim divorce.  I have been ready to claim marriage, partially because I am taking tiny baby steps in the reparation of my own heart.   I have been unhappy with my emotional progress towards a firm decision.  I am just not ready to give up the marriage ship to marauders.  I am also firmly not ready to be fully back into my marriage.  Its a middle road, uncharted, undecided mayhem mess!

Tonight though, I promised to cut myself some slack.  It is okay to be in the middle of the road sometimes.  It can be life affirming and reassuring to be undecided.  In this particular instance,  middleroad-dom seems an honest resting place for my weary heart.  Here in middledom words are flowing and I am breathing.  I have chosen to stay here for awhile, to recharge.  Let’s just see what Cheater offers in way of resolution.  I want to enjoy some emotional peace and live comfortably in my skin.  No one commanded that I have to make a decision except my own grief.

It seems strange to embrace indecision as a resting place for weary souls.  But it buys me time to regroup, and gives me permission to work only on my side of the street.  I am no longer the victim of cheater’s behavior but in direct charge of my own behavior.

 

Shower

The baby shower was so much fun.  My daughter made her own cake, and my son-in-law hung a huge welcoming sign on the lawn.  My son in law is a wonderful man, thoughtful and considerate, very in touch with his feminine side.  He is wonderful with women, polite and nurturing.  I am so grateful that Kate married this kind of man.  I am proud of her for knowing what she wanted in a mate and finding it.  Marriage is a tough go all around and it seems these days it is very difficult to find a man whose values are oriented toward family and marriage.  My Pea Pod will arrive to bless the lives of two loving parents and I am so happy to know that she will be well taken care of.  As a side note, my Kate has naturally curly hair and my SIL was a platinum blond little boy, so Angels, if yer listening, I would love for my PeaPod to have platinum blond curls!  Just thought I’d send that order into heaven ahead of time.

 

Grace Today

My Canine Grandson

This is Simon, my canine, Frito smelling, grandson.  Thats me, holding corn chip boy, after a day of lunch and shopping with my very pregnant daughter.   It was a day of grace!  It always is when I spend time with Kate. 

We went to the bookstore first…………………….I could live in a bookstore!  I want to scour the entire store, smell the books, look at all the magazines.  I am freakish about books really.  Big Grace Moments………………bookstores!

We headed to lunch at Panera Bread.  BIG Grace moment………….Fuji Apple Chicken Salad!  Yummo! 

We giggled and tee hee’d through lunch, jabbered about all Cheater’s latest drama, and stuffed ourselves.  My grandaughter is making my daughter very uncomfortable these days, but still we pushed on!

We had intended to go to a bead store, but Kate was exhausted and we still had the main reason for our shopping trip to accomplish.  We are having a big family Baby Shower on Sunday afternoon.  We needed food supplies for the brood.  So off to Wally World we headed.  

Of course we had to visit the baby department, not that Kate or my Pea Pod need a thing.  The nursery is in full bloom, with fairys and flowers and Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes.    It is a lovely, peaceful room.  Another Moment of Grace!

We were greeted upon our arrival back home by Simon, all drooly, wiggly and puggish.   He’s a smile giver.   A canine Imp! 

Such a wonderful day, and yet my heart was outlined with tears at times.   I thought often of Cheater today, and even those seemed filled with Grace.  I miss Cheater at times like these, family times that create lifetime memories.   I just wanted to tape the day and play it for him.    I tucked away my anger, and allowed myself nostalgic sympathy for my husband.  He is missing every Moment of Grace in his family.

 

Website Truth

Some very kind person sent me a link to a dating website.  It contained a profile of Cheater himself.  He created this a week ago, and followed it up with conversations with me concerning his undying fidelity!  I wanna puke!  Here I have been putting every effort into believing anything Cheater tells me, and he is talking out of both sides of his mouth.  Although I am not surprised, my heart was broken.  Why???  Perhaps it was the “loves me naught” evidence I needed to bring me into the sunshine.  Still, it hurts.

The profile read in part that he had just gotten out of a twenty year marriage and had not dated in years, YEAH RIGHT!

I printed the profile, and am considering how best to present it to him.

In other news, despite trying to avoid these nasty reminders of Cheater’s Recent run for the hills with his girlfriend, SHE called to speak with me.  I was going to hang up, but  SHE snagged me with an apology.  YEAH RIGHT!!!  In speaking with her briefly she stated that her husband just confessed to a 3 year relationship with another woman, and how badly HER heart was broken.  I said ” I know how you feel, glad your heart is breaking, you deserve any pain you are going through.”  Then I started to cry and screamed “Suffer and Die Bitch”.  I was ashamed of my tears and that made me so angry!  I was angry because I was showing her my weakness, my huge gaping black holed weakness known as Cheater.  Wincing even now at the size of that karmic footprint I left.

So its been an emotionally gripping day for me, not unheard of with the approach of the full moon.  I ate half a container of  Tapioca Pudding, downloaded a bunch of movie tunes onto my Ipod, sniffled and moped about for the rest of the afternoon.  I can feel the exhaustion that is always present after an emotional storm.  Exhaustion always makes my body heavy and lethargic.    I am getting tired of being able to nurture myself after such an emotional storm, and not being able to just walk out into the light of release.  Sigh………..

 

Daisy Redo

Talking the walk, reading about the walk, but still not ready to walk the talk!

 Confused?????  Yeah come live in my skin and I reckon you will leap from this out of control train alot faster than I am.

 One of my favorite sayings these days is “Fake it, till you make it”. 

I figure thats the best I can offer myself. What feels like faking will soon be making.

Cheater is unhappy all the way around these days, and it makes me giggle.  I musn’t get too giddy however and let my guard down because I know Cheater’s unhappiness will resolve itself in the form of another grand misadventure.  Right now he’s penniless, more so then myself, carless and jobless.  Well now!  Tides will turn again for Cheater, and he will get a job, find a place to live and acquire transportation.  It must be exhausting to keep having to hit the redo button.  Cheater is 38 years old, and owns nothing.

It isn’t stuff or lack of it that bothers me currently.  It is that I will continue to scrape and scrap to pay every bill, care for the kids, and be the stable parent the kids deserve.  Hubbie on the other hand, will be off like a big ass bird once he lands a job, and all his begging to come home will be lost in the dust he kicks up. 

Currently Cheater has been wheedling for money, whining about his plight and my reply is always that he has wrung me dry.  If he were here I think Id be tempted to throw eggs at his inflated head.  You may ask why I continue to talk with him?  It’s all about pulling petals from the daisy………………………….he loves me……………..he loves me naught………………….someday when I pluck “naught” I will believe it.  Someday I will look at the plucked, globe yellow center, of that daisy and see the sun!  I will emerge into the light and my redo days will be distant memories.