
Although the days have flown by since the birth of the babe, and I have been caught up in the whirlwind of excitement, I have to admit that I was doubtful about writing an update to my saga. It feels some days like I am tired of the saga end of my life. I have spent the last year weighed down in grief and heartache, so now I am impatient to move forward from the excessive amount of stress and turmoil. Perhaps its the beginning of our new little life that has spurred me forward, although I believe I was swimming towards the surface for air even before the babe was born.
I am convinced that just sitting still in the middle of the road has been a wise choice. If for no other reason then it allowed me to rest mentally and physically. I stopped mental manipulations, and physical manipulations of my situation with Cheater. I believe just the acknowledgement that not only one person in a marriage can fight for the union when it is in trouble, has helped smooth the rough edges of my emotional pain. Though trite, its true, it certainly takes two.
I have two thoughts on the issue though currently, that keep rearing their heads in the quiet moments before sleep. Its as though my brain presents to my heart the major ongoing concern or worry to contemplate, and hopefully to resolve. The positive thought is that my husband’s behavior was not the status quo for our marriage. I had eighteen years being the apple of my husband’s eye, his queen. I had one year of abnormal behavior, hubbie’s cheater mode. The negative thought that floats daily to the surface is the sheer terror I feel at the thought that the abnormal behavior will continue, that he will cheat again.
The crux of the matter truly lies in deep emotional issues of self esteem, originally brought on by a less than ideal childhood. Cheater has on several occasions made reference to these issues, and I empathize with the way that he has suffered. Until now, he had manuvered and hidden the severity of his personal struggle. In no way does this excuse the infantile, abusive way in which he has behaved in the past year. I think he finally gets that. What Cheater fails to fully comprehend is the amount of self reflection, and contemplation that he still needs to do. What I am saying is that Hubbie gives a great deal of lip service to recovery, and getting his spirit back, and I am sure he is starting down a better emotional path, but I believe he needs professional help to truly gain insight and clarity. I need him to get professional help.
I must admit that I have pretty much figured out the entire issue regarding Cheater, and I believe I am accurate in my observations. However, Cheater needs to come to his own place of knowing. I cannot spoon feed him the information, nor cure the problems.
As hard as the decision was to not let Cheater back into our home this last time, I believe with great conviction it was the single best decision I have made in the past year. Hubbie lives 12 hours away, with his sister. He has admitted to me that although he feels at times like he is being baby sat, that it has also been a productive, worthy time for him. He has found a great deal of solace in spending time fishing, working hard, and nurturing his mind and body. I believe too that this has improved his chances of recovery.
My real concern is that Hubbie is hurrying the process. There is so much more to figure out and resolve between us. Cheater would like us to move back to our home state where he is residing and resume our family life. Although I would like that to happen as well, for some reason I do not think it ever will.
I feel as though I am living in the future of our relationship right now. That what is happening between us currently, is a more gentle pulling apart of a 19 year marriage. The most difficult part of this new relationship is that I seem to be okay with it. I like living apart from hubbie right now. I like having a bit more control over my emotional state, and although it may be a false sense of security, I like the security I have. I am enjoying not obsessing over hubbies behavior, moodiness and anxiety. I like not having to worry that anything I say can send him reeling back into more negative behavior. I am not walking on eggshells, and most importantly I am not suffering the amount of anxiety that I had previously endured.
Although the financial situation isn’t stable, my environment finally is and I do not want to surrender my hard won stability again. If Cheater makes another headlong rush into addicition/cheater world, then I feel as though I will not suffer such tremendous emotional tolls this time. I hate to admit it but I currently have a barrier around my heart to protect myself from further trauma. I acknowledge that the biggest reason making no decisions has worked for me is because it gave me permission to wait for Cheater to screw up again. I finally stopped trying to avoid the inevitable and just let Cheater rise or fall on his own accord. This has been very difficult for me as I have spent much of my time controlling the situation.
I am angry at Hubbie alot now, and I am concerned because it seems to erupt from the smallest frustrations. Perhaps it is merely because I am finally standing with my face in the storm, erect and strong, not bent and cowered in weakness. Many family members have commented saying that I am finally realizing I can do this on my own. That is simply not true. I have always known I could raise the kids on my own, I had no doubt concerning my ability. I did not want to raise them without my husband, period. Although to many my love should have stopped flowing for Cheater by now, it hasn’t. I would like nothing better then to repair this mess and move forward from it, a happier couple.
I am willing now to admit that I have serious doubts about my ability as a human to leave behind the infidelity. Every day a thought concerning my husband’s infidelity creates a new painful heart ache. This self flagellation has increased since I have regained much of my emotional stability. Perhaps this is the way my mind has chosen to deal with the issue. Perhaps its a rolling reality check. Simpler still, perhaps it is just the continuation of the healing process.
All of the writing has led me straight back to the middle of the road. It just feels safer to not venture far from the umbrella . I have trust in my current wait and see mode, as it has been very healing.
The new babe continues to be a wonder, such a calm and peaceful being is my Livvy Pea. My daughter is thriving in young motherhood, and already has only eyes for the little superstar she helped to bring into this world. You cannot help but love both of them. I am full of amazement that it feels to me some times like my own daughter being born again. It is a rush to be so in love with a small person. I did not think my heart would expand further .

This is a picture of that amazing sunflower field. I found this picture curious as the sunflowers were placed in their positions by someone else, and it lead me to wonder the purpose of the placement. I have been finding a great deal of peace in wandering Gettysburg and taking pictures. Fall is my favorite season I think , although spring is a wonder as well.




I have been struggling to stabilize my emotions,since the shower last weekend. I realize life is not a sappy greeting card, and normally I am not an incredibly sappy person. I tend to be less gaga about the hearts and flowers then some. But this week has been downright hellacious, emotionally.

![0904091549[1] My Canine Grandson](http://lifewithoutinstructions.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/09040915491.jpg?w=510&h=382)
Some very kind person sent me a link to a dating website. It contained a profile of Cheater himself. He created this a week ago, and followed it up with conversations with me concerning his undying fidelity! I wanna puke! Here I have been putting every effort into believing anything Cheater tells me, and he is talking out of both sides of his mouth. Although I am not surprised, my heart was broken. Why??? Perhaps it was the “loves me naught” evidence I needed to bring me into the sunshine. Still, it hurts.