The thing about infidelity……it hangs around your life like a bad odor~
Its true! The effects are devastating and completely generous! I can attest! I am four years out, and finally in the type of marriage that I had thought my relationship WAS, pre-cheating! The lingering aura surrounding my life is unabashed hesitation. I hesitate to give myself fully to my husband. I simply cannot do it. I keep wondering how much longer my husband will hang about with a woman who is obviously reticent to be emotionally and physically available. The larger issue then becomes the looming fact that, although I wonder, deep down, I could care less.
One thing I did learn through my “relationship lesson”, is that a man expects, indeed, deeply needs his significant other’s approval, attention and devotion. Without trying to insult MEN as a species, I have discovered that they are very needy! This fact falls directly in line ,for various reasons. Men, in particular, cheat. If you are a woman who has cheated on her partner, this post may not be directly generated towards you, however you might recognize the needy issue.
I am more curious now about motivation in light of the 4 star General scandal. I find myself wondering most of all about the women involved. But, before I get into the political scandal, I wanted really to talk about my own personal experience these days.
I am in the middle of D Month, and the very emotional 3 months after. Its the anniversary of my nightmare. I will say that the emotional aspect of the anniversary is far less, however, the ramifications change as the years have grown. As many of you read in a prior post the OW contacted me briefly in Sept after 3 years of silence. I was initially non-plussed, and as a side note, I never told my Husband. I simply did not want to see his reaction, nor did I feel the need to open the window to my private hell. In other words, I turned my face to my husbands emotions simply to save my own heart.
It truly isn’t that I feel my husband is still lingering in the fog over this woman. It is more the fact that I do not trust myself to “read” into my husbands thoughts, or to start searching his email again. The majority of my peace has come from not chasing emails and placing, albiet gingerly, trust upon my husbands word. It helps too that my husband does not have a social media page and that I have the password to his email. Also, I do know that the OW still does not have ready access to a computer or internet. Still, these issues will change, and I am not sure that if there is a fight on that level, that I will come out swinging? In other words, I find myself wondering if my husband’s promises were not easier to keep without access to the tools of an affair.
You may wonder why this is coming to the fore front now? More and more now I am able to admit that I am a wounded soul. The thing that bothers me most these days is the feeling that I cannot entirely express in words the circumfrance of my feelings. My emotions are so raw at times that I revert to my baser emotions. I often think to myself that my emotions are floating above my body, watching how my bones and muscles move. Let me explain.
My husband now works far from home during the week. For the last three years he has been at home, period. I am glad he lingered near home, it certainly helped repair the affair damage. Prior to the affair my husband had for the most part worked away from the house. I basically raised the kids, he paid for the household expenses. I have no idea if there was an affair prior to the one I found out about. This lingers on my mind and bothers me. I have not dealt with those thoughts simply because I have been dealing with my life. I figure I have no need to know…..one affair is more than enough.
Now that my husband is working away from home again, I find myself coping by not investing my emotions in him at all. He has noticed this, and it bothers him. I know it upsets him and at times makes him angry. I cannot help it. The tape in my head is on a loop, and that loop repeats over and over that he will never do this to me again. AND, he won’t! Not because it might not happen but because I will never be that emotionally vulnerable again. I will never repeat the last 4 years. So, I believe I live in a tape loop. I won’t emotionally invest in our relationship, despite obvious improvement! By remaining so emotionally distant, I can objectively see my husband cheating again, because I am no longer invested in our marriage.
I can visulaize the devastation my emotional whirlwind is creating, and I refuse to respond because I am protecting myself.
As much as I can intellectually see what is happening, I am often bereft of motivation to change it. Does anyone else in a similar situation feel this way? I am motivated the most by not wanting to go back to the hell I was in 4 years ago, and it seems a sad way to live.