Recently, my husband and I took the opportunity to get away for the weekend. During the long drive to reach our destination we had some long and introspective discussions.
The major thrust of our conversation stemmed from my husbands need to explain some of his personal truths. Truths that he had become aware of due to the events of his meltdown and affair.
Honestly, I am not sure what he wanted from me in return, although he did end up telling me he hoped I would one day forgive him for his betrayal. I think he senses my hesitation to fully forgive, and I feel strongly now that somehow that is the next step in order for us to continue healing as a couple.
Still something stops me from giving him all of my heart as I had before the affair. In my complete trust of my husband before the affair, I missed many warning signs and ignored many others. I cannot tell you how many times I said to myself that my husband though not perfect, would never put our marriage at risk. In his confessions, the truth came out. My marriage that existed in my head was not the marriage that existed in his. Though he had major issues of his own, and seems at last to be working on them, some of the stuff he confessed confirmed the thoughts I had been having for years. Things I knew and chose to ignore . I am not sure if I had ever confronted him in this regard if that would have been any better.
He didnt confess to other affairs, but to constantly blaming me for all that was wrong in his life. It didnt matter whether it was financial, personal or work related, he blamed me. I suspected he was doing that very thing, but with no real proof other than my intuition I never knew how to deal with it. So when he told me this recently, all I could say was I know, and I understand.
My heart however has iced over now a bit. I am shocked that I was right about him, and I am dismayed now that I have little empathy left. I have not confessed to him how I feel yet because I cannot put it into a cohesive thought yet.
I am mad all over again, my trust level has dropped, and I do not like him. I feel terrible. He trusted me enough to share his thoughts and feelings, and to assure me that He would not ever feel that way again. I think old habits die hard, and my feelings are hurt that I was not the woman to him I thought I was.
I don’t know what to do now? I have not done alot regarding this revelation because I simply do not know what I want to do.
March 29, 2011 at 3:32 pm
Hi there… unfortunately found your blog struggling with my H’s affairS (11 total, 5 physical).
The only thing I can tell you is that I too have gone through these up and downs. And I wonder when he will finally be at rock bottom. But as he continues to work on his issues, he makes more connections between his actions and makes more progress towards changing. But that in turn leaves me feeling like we are constantly starting over and not REALLY making forward progress.
My heart had unexpectedly warmed a bit. And now it is frozen from something he did/admitted. But I try to remind myself that that’s just part of the process. And I can leave anytime I want- I havent committed to staying with him OR putting up with the BS. I am only “open” as far as he is willing to change.
March 30, 2011 at 9:45 am
Great point “Me”………..I should not feel terrible that I am not as open as I could be.it is a process.
March 29, 2011 at 3:50 pm
“My marriage that existed in my head was not the marriage that existed in his.”
That is the worst part. You thought you were on the same wave length, and now you realize it was all a lie. MAYBE!!! Now you don’t know. Who CAN you trust. Not even yourself, because you are now confused.
If you ever figure it out, let me know, and I will kick 47 years of marriage to the curb to start over.
March 30, 2011 at 9:49 am
The insidious part of this mess is that once again I am left to sit on a fence and wait for signs of change. Married 21 years almost sigh……makes you wonder what kind of person you are to hang around waiting.
March 29, 2011 at 8:11 pm
“He didnt confess to other affairs, but to constantly blaming me for all that was wrong in his life. It didnt matter whether it was financial, personal or work related, he blamed me. ”
Ouch. It sucks that he is blaming you for everything. He is an adult right???
I really liked how “me” said, that she is only as open as far as he is willing to change. That makes a fair bit of sense.
March 30, 2011 at 9:50 am
Yes supposedly an adult lol. But what kind of adult lets herself continue to remain in such a situation?
March 30, 2011 at 9:56 am
You may not have much of a choice, without hurting yourself.
March 30, 2011 at 11:39 am
I feel like I have fully forgiven my husband, but there are still days when I cannot get past the resentment, because I also felt that “my husband would NEVER put our marriage at risk”. Knowing that he did is a huge disappointment to me and I don’t think anything can ever make up for it. Knowing what he thought of me, and knowing that I was being blamed for all those same things has been hell to accept. I cannot understand how someone who claims to love me so much saw me as a different person just 6 months ago. It has definitely altered my thoughts on his character and integrity, yet if I had not felt changes in him, I don’t think that I could have moved on either. You told me, you have to be very clear with what you need from him and communication has helped tremendously. I understand that there are no words for what you’re feeling right now that will make him understand. Sometimes you just have to take some time to yourself and the words will come. I’ve been married for 20 years and thought I knew my husband completely, but people sometimes have so much baggage inside them that you cannot see, or that you see and choose to love in spite of. Still, there comes a point when the truth is out there and we all have to ask ourselves if we can accept this and or not. We all deserve to be happy. I hope you find what you are searching for.
March 30, 2011 at 7:48 pm
I am so glad to see you reaching out again. I can’t help but wonder why he chose to share those thoughts and feelings with you — he must have known it would be hurtful to you. If those feelings and thoughts are in the past, why bring them up? If he is aware that they were wrong, and is now working to fix them, why bring them up? I am sure I am not helping with your feelings of confusion and numbness and anger, but it is my take. It sounds to me from your posts that you are giving a lot to save this marriage, working to forgive and trust. Forgiveness may or may not come, trust needs to be earned and will take time. You have every right to feel hurt and need time to heal your wounds. I hope that he is giving as much to you, and that his giving is making you feel special and loved, not just the sort of giving where he is not cheating (which he should not be doing anyway). I agree with the other commenter that you — YOU — need to decide what you can accept and what you can’t, whether you love him or not. Blessings to you, really, I hope all the best.
March 31, 2011 at 10:55 am
Acceptance is a powerful thing.
I either will or won’t.
I’m not there yet but I believe it is the only choice I have.
You all know what I’ve been struggling with for over a year.
I have to make a choice to continue to struggle or change my direction.