I am amazed that almost 3 years after my husbands affair, I finally feel as though I can take a deep breath. There were so many times during this process that I just wanted to give up and divorce him. I do not know what prompted me to continue to suffer, except to say that now I understand that all of the pain was teaching me and healing me.
I am grateful to the inner strength provided by something larger then myself. I am also grateful that I really liked my husband, and that I was able to tap into my unconditional love . You need unconditional love to walk through the pain and remain emotionally healthy. Romantic love, like Elvis, leaves the building after an affair.
I have had good days and many more terrible days. If you have been cheated upon you must have patience.
I have bad moments now, not bad days. I have placed the deep pain of the affair away, lessons learned and respected. My husband and I talk about the affair openly, when it comes up in daily life. My husband no longer has a sense of deep shame and guilt, but he still wishes he had never cheated on me. The affair altered our lives and taught harsh lessons.
I know now what marriage means, and I know its hard work . Better still, I know what a blessing a great marriage is, and finally that surviving the horrid times together is what binds you.
June 26, 2011 at 8:17 am
Thank you so much for this post – I am just at a year from finding out about the physical part of my husband’s affair, with details dribbling out through this January, and I have been feeling like it wasn’t worth it…like I wasn’t feeling better fast enough and so never would. I needed a reminder that it is worth it and can get better.
June 27, 2011 at 12:32 am
Maybe there’s hope for me still! Thanks for the insight.
June 27, 2011 at 6:13 am
Marriage is hard work. Long term marriages…the succesful among us…always say that there were many rough patches. For the most part though, they have found and re-found happiness in their relationship.
Affairs are devastating. They cause questions that one should never have to answer. But…if they lead to better communication. More honesty. True listening and empathy, then a marriage can use that pain to grow.
After X’s first affair, this is the path we were on. But sadly, it eroded. Sabotaged by X’s inability to maintain honesty with me and her misinterpretation of so many things.
It takes time to heal. There is no formula. Progess is the victory. A little bit every day is a little victory every day.
June 27, 2011 at 3:21 pm
it’s been almost three years for me as well but I am 8 weeks pregnant (not planned, at this point not wanted as our children as our older, I am older), and although I have forgiven and would say our relationship is very good now and my H worked on a lot of personality flaws and is a better person, this pregnancy has reopened lots of fears for me. I feel like I am in a worse place now emotionally than I was three years ago, either option with regards to the pregnancy makes me scared, makes me feel like there will be resentment.
June 29, 2011 at 5:15 pm
It’s normal to be emotional when you are pregnant. I hope you re-consider options regarding your pregnancy. I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe this child is what is needed. Maybe not to bring your marriage together, but perhaps a blessing in disguise that you can’t possibly see yet. I pray you look back years from now and are thankful for the gift. Best wishes!
July 23, 2011 at 9:03 am
Has been 4 years since my husbands affair (with a lesbian of 9 years if you can believe it!), and I wish I would have left. He cannot leave to go to the store or even the mailbox without me wondering if he is visiting or calling her…I scrutinize the phone logs, something I never had to do before…I have to interpret his behavior now, instead of taking it for granted. I believed the “you will get over it with time”, “your relationship can be better AFTER an affair”, all that garbage, but the truth is:
Once someone has lied, deceived, conspired with another in an affair, life will never be the same again. It changed me dramaticaly. I am pretty much a hermit now..don’t trust men or women. Everything my husband does is examined for “truth” or evidence of those shadowy affair behaviors. We were together 20 years and I am unable to get a job/support myself. Continue to live the nightmare that will never end. The damage to people from a spouses affair is lifelong.
September 20, 2011 at 3:49 pm
Heidi, I feel and understand your fear. I think everyone who has been deceived in this way feels the way you do to some extent. I know I do even though my husband and I have talked alot about what happened and why. I can’t help but feel that if it happened fefore without my knowledge, it can happen again. With understanding does not necessarily come an easing of the negative emotions for having been hurt so badly. I hope you seek some counseling to help you deal with your emotions. My husband and I have and it has helped.
July 29, 2011 at 4:12 pm
This post was meant for me at this moment so thank you for posting this because me, a complete stranger, needed to hear this. I needed to hear that romantic love leaves the building and I need to have patience. It has been a little less than a year since my husband’s affair that came when our daughter was just under 1 year old and continued for a long time without my knowledge. We have been in counseling but I just have days when I don’t know when the panic attacks or the tears will stop sneaking up on me. It’s not daily but when I least expect it. I googled, will I ever get over this affair, and your blog came up. Thank you.
September 20, 2011 at 3:48 pm
This was a very inspiring post. I am still working on healing after my husband revealed to me about his infrequent but ongoing affair this past September with someone he called a friend. Unfortunately, in my case, a child resulted and has finally forced transparency and responsible choices for my husband and the other woman for a change. My husband has been so remorseful and is trying hard to give me what I need to heal while also trying to heal the damage he has done to himself. He is also being forced to take responsibility for the life he created. We are still working through all the damage as well as the emotional fallout that has occurred because we can’t just “move on” with our lives. I envy you who don’t have to look back like we will be forced to do everyday. Like you, however, the highs are becoming higher although pitfalls and triggers are everywhere. I can’t wait until I can call myself a “survivor” but I’m just not there yet.
September 30, 2011 at 11:45 am
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December 30, 2011 at 4:51 pm
I really liked your post and your site. It is a very honest take on betrayal. I am only 9 months into my discovery and I am not anywhere near feeling like I’m over it. For now, I try to concentrate on what makes me feel better but none of it is easy. I do often wonder if its worth it. Is it really the right thing to do for the kids and then divorce once they’ve left the house? Wouldn’t they feel lied to also? Can I bear another ten years with a man who has betrayed and injured me so deeply? I don’t know. I see you have endured for three years.