Well its been a very long time since I have written anything here.    The REALITY is I have ignored this blog because my TRUTH has caused a long period of GUILT!  I feel guilty because the people who read this blog are in various stages of healing, and read my entries for emotional comfort.  I also think it helps to soothe the frayed edges of the anticipatory emotions about the healing process and what happens next.   I have often thought of writing about my recent emotional journey, but have felt very “fake and foolish”.   Prior entries for the most part have spoken about forgiveness and continued healing.  The truth is, lately I haven’t been healing at all.

 

Recently, I received an email from a person who is not very far into the healing process.  They  found my blog, and reached out to me with their experience.  I have let that email sit unanswered.  I have been afraid to admit that after three years of this horrific process, I have in many respects, become mired again in the trauma.  I feel dishonest to myself and others because I have written about continued healing.

 

Now though I feel differently, and that is the message of this post.  This process really sucks!  Peaks and valleys , better and worse!   But here is a TRUTH, whether the emotional experience feels positive or negative, every part of the journey is about healing.  This blog is about my healing, and hopefully the sharing will help someone else to heal.

 

The 3rd anniversary of my D Day has come and gone, and I did not mark the passing by posting in this blog.  I thought, honestly that I personally did not need to make an imprint on my heart by continuing to notice that altering event.  I thought I was moving forward from it.  On the surface, I believe that the notion of giving d day any continued importance is an excellent idea.  I will continue to work towards the erasure of that memory, but for this year, the memory came from behind and gripped me again.

 

Life is funny, but I would have to explain my current situation as similar to the life events that were happening when D Day occurred.  My husband is currently layed off from his job, and has started to feel terrible about his ability to support the family.  The situation is different however in one crucial aspect.  My husband learned alot from his cheating experience and has changed the way he deals with life and marriage.  He isn’t straying from our marriage.

 

Because the trauma of the events are still banging around in my head, I would say I have flashed back to the emotional issues of three years ago.  I have worried constantly that these new life pressures will strain our relationship and we will go back to the situation that caused D Day.  In my thinking brain I know things are different, but my emotional brain continues to refer to the trauma.

 

I am emotionally quite flat right now, and usually a crappy memory floats to the surface once or twice daily.  I hate it, and often feel discouraged that at this moment I feel helpless to help myself.  I feel guilty for my husband because I supposedly have forgiven him, and often right now I feel less than forgiving.  Peaks and Valleys!

 

So now, three years after the cheating, my REALITY is, I am still healing.  The TRUTH is simple.  Do what you can do to help yourself and don’t feel guilty when you cannot “heal” or “forgive” at the rate you feel you must.  If you are trying, then that is all that can be expected.

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