The other day, Saturday to be exact, the day of the S.C. Primary, I ventured into a political debate on facebook with a person not on my” friend”  list.   She happened to be a strong republican, I happen to be a strong independent!  Well a more accurate definition would be ” so terribly liberal as to not fit into an established political party” ,   yeah  that defines me.

I entered into a texting tutorial with this person, and apparently I was harsh!  She left the debate after telling me I needed to do my research and admonishing me that I used “swear” words to uphold my political points, thus I was a terrible person without real thought or valid opinion.  I only said one questionable swear word…..”sucks”……..the rest of my points were smart, accurate retorts to her unbalanced opinion.  I say unbalanced because often I believe people gather opinions for their general political party argument, not because they have thought those particular opinions out.    Still, having written that opinion, I understand the group belief policy.  I must say it sucks!    (tongue securely in cheek)

To get on with the story, I quickly apologized to the facebook lady I had insulted.  I would never want to insult a person by “swearing” to get my point across, even if I believe a certain word is not swearing.  I believe this lady was hurt by my opinion and perceived aggression , or her “collective” internet opinion could not hold up against a real person.  Its spiritually crushing to realize that the majority of people who spout a political opinion have simply listened to the group opinion.

We ended up “friending’ one another, after my apology , and she asserted we had “much” in common.  Ummmmmmmmmmm…..NO!

Today she posted a terribly insulting “joke” on homosexuality and I was not only sickened, but furious!  I have yet to call her out as I am unsure if she is worth my “time”.  I have a child who is a lesbian!  Personally, truly, I could care the “eff” less who has a negative opinion on homosexuality!  If  GOD himself came to me and said “homosexual” behavior is against the “WORD”, I would tell our LORD to kiss my ass!  She is my child, and if you as GOD forsake me for loving my child then you are no GOD at all.

This “facebook” enemy is the reason for Racism, Class warfare, Bully warfare and Stupidity in our country.  I should say “her” opinion is the reason, but are not these type of people poison to society?

Recently, I received an email from a person who is not very far into the healing process.  They  found my blog, and reached out to me with their experience.  I have let that email sit unanswered.  I have been afraid to admit that after three years of this horrific process, I have in many respects, become mired again in the trauma.  I feel dishonest to myself and others because I have written about continued healing.

Now though I feel differently, and that is the message of this post.  This process really sucks!  Peaks and valleys , better and worse!   But here is a TRUTH, whether the emotional experience feels positive or negative, every part of the journey is about healing.  This blog is about my healing, and hopefully the sharing will help someone else to heal.

The 3rd anniversary of my D Day has come and gone, and I did not mark the passing by posting in this blog.  I thought, honestly that I personally did not need to make an imprint on my heart by continuing to notice that altering event.  I thought I was moving forward from it.  On the surface, I believe that the notion of giving d day any continued importance is an excellent idea.  I will continue to work towards the erasure of that memory, but for this year, the memory came from behind and gripped me again.

Life is funny, but I would have to explain my current situation as similar to the life events that were happening when D Day occurred.  My husband is currently layed off from his job, and has started to feel terrible about his ability to support the family.  The situation is different however in one crucial aspect.  My husband learned alot from his cheating experience and has changed the way he deals with life and marriage.  He isn’t straying from our marriage.

Because the trauma of the events are still banging around in my head, I would say I have flashed back to the emotional issues of three years ago.  I have worried constantly that these new life pressures will strain our relationship and we will go back to the situation that caused D Day.  In my thinking brain I know things are different, but my emotional brain continues to refer to the trauma.

I am emotionally quite flat right now, and usually a crappy memory floats to the surface once or twice daily.  I hate it, and often feel discouraged that at this moment I feel helpless to help myself.  I feel guilty for my husband because I supposedly have forgiven him, and often right now I feel less than forgiving.  Peaks and Valleys!

So now, three years after the cheating, my REALITY is, I am still healing.  The TRUTH is simple.  Do what you can do to help yourself and don’t feel guilty when you cannot “heal” or “forgive” at the rate you feel you must.  If you are trying, then that is all that can be expected.

I am grateful to the inner strength provided by something larger then myself.  I am also grateful that I really liked my husband, and that I was able to tap into my unconditional love .  You need unconditional love to walk through the pain and remain emotionally healthy.  Romantic love, like Elvis, leaves the building after an affair.

I have had good days and many more terrible days.  If you have been cheated upon you must have patience.

I have bad moments now, not bad days.  I have placed the deep pain of the affair away, lessons learned and respected.  My husband and I talk about the affair openly, when it comes up in daily life.  My husband no longer has a sense of deep shame and guilt, but he still wishes he had never cheated on me.   The affair altered our lives and taught harsh lessons.

I know now what marriage means, and I know its hard work .  Better still, I know what a blessing a great marriage is, and finally that surviving the horrid times together is what binds you.

I hear the usual language from these women…………sexy, exciting, emotional connection, and the big one my husband’s XAP used…….. tah dah…………..  SOUL MATE.

It is so easy to be a soulmate when you aren’t washing the dudes underwear….seriously.

You can see where I am, halfway between pity for the XAP being drawn in by the cheater, and anger that any two people could be so cruel and abusive.

Its easy to be a soul mate when you don’t have to wipe the snotty noses of my kids or make my cheaters dinner.  Did you ever hear my husband snore?  To my own personal XAP………………………………

He is not your soulmate

He isnt my soulmate anymore.

If you wanna wash his dirty underwear ……………..let me know, even if he isnt willing, I am more then willing to sign your delusional ass up for more drama!

The major thrust of our conversation stemmed from my husbands need to explain some of his personal truths.  Truths that he had become aware of  due to the events of his meltdown and affair.

Honestly, I am not sure what he wanted from me in return, although he did end up telling me he hoped I would one day forgive him for his betrayal.  I think he senses my hesitation to fully forgive, and I feel strongly now that somehow that is the next step in order for us to continue healing as a couple.

Still something stops me from giving him all of my heart as I had before the affair.  In my complete trust of my husband before the affair, I missed many warning signs and ignored many others.  I cannot tell you how many times I said to myself that my husband though not perfect, would never put our marriage at risk.  In his confessions, the truth came out.  My marriage that existed in my head was not the marriage that existed in his.  Though he had major issues of his own, and seems at last to be working on them, some of the stuff he confessed confirmed the thoughts I had been having for years.  Things I knew and chose to ignore .  I am not sure if I had ever confronted him in this regard if that would have been any better.

He didnt confess to other affairs, but to constantly blaming me for all that was wrong in his life.  It didnt matter whether it was financial, personal or work related, he blamed me.  I suspected he was doing that very thing, but with no real proof other than my intuition I never knew how to deal with it.  So when he told me this recently, all I could say was I know, and I understand.

My heart however has iced over now a bit.  I am shocked that I was right about him, and I am dismayed now that I have little empathy left.  I have not confessed to him how I feel yet because I cannot put it into a cohesive thought yet.

I am mad all over again, my trust level has dropped, and I do not like him.  I feel terrible.  He trusted me enough to share his thoughts and feelings, and to assure me that He would not ever feel that way again.  I think old habits die hard, and my feelings are hurt that I was not the woman to him I thought I was.

I don’t know what to do now?  I have not done alot regarding this revelation because I simply do not know what I want to do.

Before D Day I was a happy blogger, writing it up on another site, about family, and general life stuff.  I could tell a feel good story that most were happy to read.  I was also crapping rainbows and spitting gold coins at times, but in general was not a gloomy blogger.  Sigh………….

Two years later, this blog, is ALWAYS somewhat gloomy.  It has morphed from a tear wrenching diatribe however, to a peaceful, yet heart lurching journey of lessons.  Thats not all terrible, but my readers know very little about me, authoress, mother, scorned woman.

Most of the details of the affair are here, forever in cyber print.  My deepest pains are here, and I only briefly touched on my deepest joys.  I am living proof that you can be a scarred woman and still breathe in lifes wonderful moments.

So here is a bit about myself.  I have a wonderful 18 month old Grandaughter, and another grandbaby due in July!

I have 4 children, 3 girls and one boy.  I have raised these kids at times by the skin of the financial tooth yet they are all remarkably productive humans.  My children are my defining moment.  The oldest is married, manages a well known and loved “lotion” store, and is almost finished with her dental hygienist degree.  I should also mention that she is the Mom of the granddaughter and the one on the way.  I do not know how she does it all.  She is a  stellar woman.  She will be 26 in June.

My next daughter is in her third year of pre-med and has maintained a Deans List status throughout.  She has lived at home, and attended a local community college because she was a terrible student.  This has turned around for her, and she was just accepted to Drexel, Temple and Philadelphia University for their pre med programs.  I am so proud that she has grown into a remarkable student and young woman.  She was in the middle of the fallout of her Dad’s affair, stayed on Deans List, worked a 30 hour week, and became my champion.  I was weak, she was strong.  This girl is my rock.  Currently she is looking into the ROTC program as well as direct entrance to the Armed Forces.  She would like to become a Dr of psychology specializing in combat mental health.   Wow!  I am beyond words to describe my pride.  She will be 21 in July.

My 3rd daughter just turned 17 in January.  She has been an honor student since I can remember.  She is on Student Council, marching Band, Mock Trial and Soccer!  Yeahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!  This is my only child who is self driven to succeed, and the only child who has known her career path from an early age.  She is currently applying to colleges to major in Zoology……..she wants to be a big cat vet.  From the time this child was one this has been her ambition.  This young lady is all that a parent could ask for.  She also has an in-operable brain tumor, which is benign.  This has affected her speech, gait and coordination, yet she shines.  I am humbled by her grit, determination and grasp of the work it takes to succeed in life.

Then, there is my angel boyo.  Light of my life.  I believe God sent this child to me as a means of redemption.  My son just turned 16 a few days ago.  He was born with Downs Syndrome, and later was diagnosed with autism.  My sweet little man is a very delayed Downs kid, but the value he has placed in our family’s life is immeasurable.  We love him beyond words.

I also love to cook, play poker, garden, and bead weave.  I love history, particularly Civil and Revolutionary war history.  When I pass into Heaven I hope I am remembered most as being a generous spirit, and a stellar mother.

Originally, I was going to regale you all with a humorous story.  Instead I hope I have introduced you to the woman behind the affair.  A real person, strong ,flawed and breathing despite life without instructions!

The cheated upon always seem to forget that even though your partner cheated you still have responsibility to heal the rift if you decide to stay in the relationship. The rift begins with yourself. I know this seems as though we are blaming ourselves for the affair, it is simply not the entire truth. Healing yourself in no way lets your partner off the hook for the cheating. It does eventually relieve you of crushing emotional pain.

I have been reading blogs written by those people whom have been cheated upon.  I hope I can help as I was a cheated upon spouse.  I have to say at this point that I was fortunate that my spouse was willing to heal himself, and work for our marriage.  I will also advise to the cheated upon that not all Cheaters are willing, ready or able to resolve their issues regarding their affair.  No amount of pleading or verbal threats to leave, will induce your cheating partner to heal their own emotional pain.  You ,as the cheated upon however, owe it to yourself to repair your own pain.   Take responsibility for the places in your relationship where you failed, learn a new way to communicate, and a new way to love.  Your Partner may follow, perhaps not.  This may seem risky to you at this point because you want to save the relationship, but trust me, it will save you.  Your relationship will stand or fall depending on what the two of  you do individually ,to repair the whole.

The most important issue I have discovered helpful in the repair of my 22 year marriage is that I have to listen without judgement to my husbands emotional pain regarding the affair.  Two years after the affair we still talk about the affair but in a healing way.  I firmly believe that when I became a trustworthy listener, my husband felt safe to confide in me.  In return, my husband is now a trustworthy listener and I feel safe confiding in him.  This is the single most healing effort we have made in our marriage.

I began being a trustworthy listener by healing my own pain.  I still read this book, often to deal with lingering anger and hurt regarding the affair.  I do not think the affair will ever be forgotten, but I now regard it as a painful learning experience.

I believe this book can heal the Cheater as well.  There are many Cheaters who are struggling with their affair, and the messy fallout .

Excerpt From If Its Heartbreak……….

A healing Exercise:

” I realize there must be a better way than what has occurred.  I now choose that better way.  Let my higher mind show it to me”

It is the hardest trauma I have ever had to deal with, and the memories of the overwhelming grief of the first few days after discovery haunt my days, clouding my perspective.  I will never go back to that emotionally crazy time , it actually scares the crap out of me.

I did everything most of us have done, texted nasty messages, pleading messages, and started to search online for evidence.  I acted without thought to the humiliation I was further promoting by acting this way, I had no dignity.  It took a good three months of intense grief to gain some of my dignity back.  I cried all the time, and truly now I see I was very near a breakdown or having one.  I had no control over the emotions , only aware that i wanted to be finished with the hell I was in.  Slowly the intense gut wrenching sadness gave way to a more moderate grief and it was during this time that I decided to begin to help myself.

I can only say that if you are in the intense grief stage you should try to remember your dignity and not give in to your wild emotions.  Having said that,I know you won’t truly understand this advice until your crazy phase has passed.  Its a process we all must suffer, then take ourselves away from.

I did feel my grief intensely and dealt with it .  I did not stuff it away as I was very aware that I would become a bitter woman.  I instinctively knew that if I didn’t grieve then I would just keep reliving the intense pain.  There was no way I wanted my entire life to be tainted by the hell I suffered.

Try to go no contact as soon as possible.  No Contact helps you to balance your emotions and maintain your dignity.  I have learned that dignity is the one life line that I had to keep me from breaking down.  If you are in the middle of texting vile things to your partner then you are maintaining the chaos not the peace.  I found it hard to maintain NC and actually stuffed my phone in a drawer only checking it once or twice.   I   found it hard to not call or text a response in the rare moments when my H contacted me. Part of my dignity came back each time I ignored my husbands messages.  I was strengthened by taking the control , I stopped thinking of myself as a victim.  At  this point in the journey I was able to support my self and help myself heal.  No one can do this work for you.  You can not do the work for your spouse .

One final note about the early times after discovery is to not make any major decisions concerning your spouse.  You will experience a wide range of emotions, none of them will guide you to a resolution.  I was an emotional wreck, having strong sadness, followed by resolve to get a divorce.  This isn’t the time to do anything other than care for your immediate needs.  I found the reasons for my Husbands affair revealed themselves slowly and not until we had dealt with the fallout of discovery.

Make up your mind to not closely adhere to well intentioned advice, you are the only one in your relationship.  To this day I know many of my loved ones do not understand my decision to stay married.  You never really know how you are feeling about infidelity until it happens to you.   You may have strong feelings about leaving immediately only to discover after soul searching that you actually seem to feel differently.  It is always easier to walk the tight, no nonsense path until you actually have to deal with the situation.

After a great deal of reflection, I wished I could take back all of the meaningless ultimatums I gave to Hubbie.  As the cheated upon, you have to believe in your bottom line for it to be effective.  Your spouse must have reached a point of respecting your bottom line.  It happened finally after a year of back and forth for H.  I believed in my final bottom line and he knew I meant it.  I was strong , and delivered my thoughts in a caring non-judgemental manner.   To this day my H knows there is no other choice, and that  I refuse to live with a cheater.  I have followed up this demand by working towards a stronger marriage and am much better at vocalizing my needs.

It is so hard in the beginning to deal with the issue of infidelity, but it can be done in a healthy, healing way.  I have learned and struggled through the entire process.  Of course you have to take advice as you need it, and decide what is right for you.  There are no easy fixes.  Continued healing!

I have always been a worry wart, an excessive , obsessive worrier.  It is a fault that in the past two years I have worked on, but still on occasion find myself doing.  Intellectually I know that the obsessive worry mode doesnt solve anything, but I think it is an emotional response to stress that I am experiencing.  Often I can control it by having an internal dialogue with myself.  I try to not indulge in worrying, and can limit the obsessive part by indulging in the concern for a limited time.  Then I tell myself to put it away on a mental shelf .  Most of the time this works.  I have come to realize that the worry mode turns obsessive when I am not in control of a situation.

D Day was a horrible day,one of which I will describe one day here.  All week triggers have sent me into worry mode.  Hearing the xap’s name for instance.  She had a common name, but every time I heard it on tv or conversation,I spiraled down into emotional trauma.  I feel at these times like I am fighting my way out of a paper bag, swinging at emotions I cannot always name.  Instead of telling my husband how I was feeling I became distant from him.  He may have been able to help me or at the least comfort me.  The truth is i didn’t trust him with my trauma.  I did not want to reveal that I was crippled with memories of the affair.

I feel like a fraud and failure, yet I concede this is probably normal.  Finally last night I exploded, gushing ugliness and venom and my husband was the unwitting  target.  I feel that this kind of drama is never productive towards healing, it just leaves my husband feeling attacked.  I said some rude hurtful things  and I deeply regret becoming so emotional that I resorted to attacking.  I should be nurturing healthy communication as it has enhanced our relationship.  I destroyed some of that by my actions.  I am ashamed to admit to my husband that I still haven’t left the affair behind because I feel he has done a great deal to heal the  damage .

I am unsure of a timeline in regards to the affair fading from my mind.  I do suspect that I need to work more on leaving the memories where they belong.  I feel like a breathing accusation that my husband has to live with daily and I do not want that for our marriage.

I would appreciate any reflections upon this aspect, forgetting the affair for good.  I do not want to bring it out against my husband as punishment any more.

Once my emotional steam was released my husband and I had a conversation about many aspects of the affair and my current concerns. It was a very healing interaction.  I wonder now why I allowed my emotions to take over.  Our communication level is so much better and I should have trusted that.

Because I have forgiven my husband, I have clarity of thought, and I can be more objective .  This has been the single most healing  thing I have found.

I have my days when I flash back to details of the affair, and i will admit that it is always in the back of my mind.  But i am no longer tortured by it.  I have learned alot about myself, and I have learned a great deal about communication between partners.

It was the darkest period in my life, and I thought my grief would never end.  It has ended, and every tear has brought me closer to the woman I am now.

I understand every aspect of my husbands affair, and I also understand the ways in which I failed as a wife.  This is not to say that I had fault in his cheating, only that I now know the marriage was struggling.  I can see now what our relationship was lacking and the mistakes we both made.

As crappy as the affair was to endure, it has been a lesson that I am grateful for.

My husband and I rarely discuss it now, but instead daily we both put those hard lessons to good use .  The affair humbled my husband a great deal.    I believe he has a regard for the deep bond we have formed in our twenty years of marriage that he never had before.

It has been 14 months since my husband left the affair.   I believe even if we had divorced as a result, that my husband would no longer be with that woman.  I know she served a purpose, and I know at the end of it my husband was not emotionally involved with her.

An affair is a fantasy.  As deeply emotional as it may seem, rarely is about deep and abiding love.  Its about always seeing the best part of a person, never dealing with deeper issues beyond the surface.  It amazes me  how blind the affair partner is in regards to the reality.  I have read a few blogs of women who have had affairs with a married man, and Im shocked at the level of denial on these women’s part.

Bottom line the cheater is going to tell you how terribly he is treated by his spouse, how unhappy he is.  If the cheater was really that miserable he would be out of that relationship period.  There is something keeping him in marriage.  Its not about money or kids, if the cheater was truly abused and suffering, they would have left.  Most of the time the cheater needs an ego boost, he needs to have attention lavished upon him.  The cheater gets caught up in the excitement of someone new and blossoms under the attention.  It feels good, so the cheater is effusive with their emotions, may claim to be in love, may tell the affair partner they are adored, needed ect.

The cheater however slowly starts to realize that his affair partner is just another human with faults and demands.  The  blush of excitement is not as appealing and often the cheater has no intention of leaving his marriage.  He will tell the affair partner anything to keep the affair partner happy.  Most likely he has gotten his ego boost, and is longing for the comfort  of his marriage……often he is amazed to find he is more appreciative of his marital bond.  This is the reality.

As  for affair partners, I am surprised that this pattern does not occur to them.  They believe themselves to be special, to have an intimate bond with the cheater , and often they are gulled into believing  that the relationship they have is stable and enduring.  They are just as guilty and needy in this instance.  They are blinded to the facts .  Long after an affair has ended the affair partners long to believe they were truly loved by the cheater.  Often the partner is astounded when the affair ends.  They grieve intensely, as though they had been in a long  relationship that was intimate on all levels, when in fact they barely truly connected with the cheater.  The fact is that it is the sharing of life, struggles, and small things like giggling over a shared joke that create and sustain a relationship.  The partner often rarely shares more then sex and whispered promises.  The marriage has been the haven of  intimacy, shared experiences and bonding.  If the cheater remains in his marriage, lingers, and promises to leave his spouse someday, then this is a bold indication to the affair partner that  they are wasting their time in the relationship.  He will always go back to his wife……..there is a reason he has spent most of his time with her, continued to have family vacations, and a married life.

I wonder why a person is willing to be an affair partner.  They are second best, and in most cases will always be the catalyst that the cheater needed to view themselves differently.  Why would you want someone elses spouse.  No matter how attracted to someone you are, its bound to be a heartbreak.  Find a partner that wants to be in a relationship fully with you.  Create a real bond with  someone, and hold yourself to a higher standard.

I got to know my husbands affair partner very well.  We ended up being friends in a weird way, and talked openly about the affair.  The woman will never know the insight she provided into all the aspects of  the affair.  Knowing her created the foundation of forgiveness I needed.  I have great empathy for her.  She was just another human suckered into the affair with my husband because he needed attention, and ego boosting.  She of course is as guilty as my husband, and she did things in the relationship that were morally questionable at best.

The one thing I am astounded by and still bemused over is her unwavering belief that she had a deep connection with my husband.  She would say often that she was his soulmate, and that in the brief time they were together she had connected with him deeply.  She knew my husband at his worst……and he treated her terribly.  I was appalled that my husband could do some of the things that he did to this woman.  She not only took it in stride, but stated that she had never been treated so well by a man.  She was so blinded by her emotions, that she refused to see that my husband was struggling with deep issues, and was missing the bond in his marriage.  He came back to our  marriage five times in a year.  I am not sure why she did not question this behavior.

I feel terrible for this woman.    She was I believe emotionally involved with my husband, and just refused to believe that she was just an affair to him.  To this day she would insert herself back into our lives if she could.  My husband fed  her emotionally, because she made him feel needed, adored, and accepted.    He kept going back be to her because there was no bond, thus no responsibility . He was drinking and drugging, he was cranky and emotionally unable to deal with his troubles.  He was a mess , and a fraud the entire time with her.   He indulged in his baser emotions, promised her things he never intended to give, and was never honest with her.  He lied to her about me, my importance, my love and support of him.  He told her that I was an alcoholic, that we hadnt had sex in months, that he wanted to be with her.

When I told her I was not an alcoholic, and that we had shared a bed up until he left the house, and that we were happily married she didn’t believe it.    He was so miserable that he needed to blame me, he needed the affair partner to accept that he was a wonderful guy in a miserable marriage.   He told her unforgiveable lies about me.

As we got to know one another I realized that I was not dealing with a formidable emotional affair on my husbands end.  I so appreciate the fact that I was able to  talk with her, what my husband hadnt figured out and revealed to me about the affair, she told me.   I was relieved to know she wasn’t better than me, more desireable, or  prettier.   She was never my replacement.  I understood finally what my husband had said to me when I had asked him why he kept going back to her.  It was just easier.  She allowed, him to be a drinking, drugging mess.  She was a drinking mess herself, who would leave her kids to go party with my husband.  She was easier to mistreat, and to financially not worry about because he had no respect or deep love for her.

Its sad really that my husband ran through her life,  but she allowed it as well.  Towards the end of their time together she would call me complaining about having left her kids, and her home state to be with my husband.  They had traveled to another state with no money and my husband couldnt pass a drug test so he couldnt get a job.  They slept in the car many times, and she would call me just to talk about their troubles.   I had pity for her.  I knew my husband was facing his demons head on and that he couldnt sustain a relationship.

That ended their affair.  He was tired of not having a job, he was tired of the party lifestyle, and he was starting to see her for what she was.   Not long after I found out where they were and found out that they were basically homeless, they broke up.   My husband had an argument with her, she got unruly which she tended to get when she drank, and my husband left her stranded in the motel room that they only had for the previous night.

He left her with no shoes, or clothes ,other than what she had on.  She had no money or means to get money.  He left her,  and never called her or made sure she got home .  She was alone in a strange State with nothing.   She had relatives with whom she could have stayed but she remained  in the area sleeping on a bench, for two days.

She talked with me often via her cell phone during this time.    I was also aware of my husbands whereabouts and his intentions as he emailed me .   I knew he was flying home, having borrowed money for a plane ticket .   I did not tell his affair partner where he was ……..until he had flown out.

That was over 14 months ago, .  Just shy of suffering through this affair for a year prior.    I have given two years of my life to the emotional rollercoaster .  Why would anyone choose to have an affair with a married person I dont yet know,  i only know I chose to stay married  and have been very glad that I did.